A story about holding space
Hello friends,
Early in the mornings, I try to stay grounded through mindfulness, meditation and prayer. Sometimes, I find myself in a comfy seat, where I can quiet my mind to seek clarity and direction. Other times, I find myself laying in bed thinking, “F you world, I’m not trying to get up today. Try again tomorrow”.
Somewhere along the spectrum of successful meditation practice and absolutely not, I find time to daydream and process different aspects of my life and how they influenced my path. Maybe it's because I’ve pursued a field where I need to stay grounded in order to maintain my ability to truly hold space for others. Maybe it's because I don’t have kids, so I have time to think. Either way, I thought I would share some of my musings, reframe them for a reader, to see if you might find them helpful or supportive as you navigate life.
You may read personal stories, writings I need to put to paper for myself, psychotherapy theory, recreational therapy programming, visions for the future, who knows. The goal here is to share real, unfiltered thoughts from a therapist. Let’s get at it.
This is a story about holding space
The concept of ‘holding space’ is both a life experience and a therapeutic skill.
LIFE EXPERIENCE
Throughout my childhood, my family played volleyball every Thursday and Sunday. We had a group of friends who would come over two times a week to play backyard volleyball. As a kid, I was able to observe dozens of adults interact, argue, talk trash, win and lose. All while cracking beers, laughing, having a good time and giving each other some deep personal advice.
As I look back on these memories, I am most grateful for the relationships which allowed me to truly be myself. Volleyball was the safe environment where I could be my goofy-ass self. I could be a little bit of a jerk when I was mad about some dumb play or losing a game. I remember experiencing heartbreak or navigating a confusing adolescent dilemma. I look back and remember how safe I felt during these times. Every Thursday and Sunday, I knew I would have my volleyball family to decompress the week. Our little family created an effective ‘holding space’ through my development as an adolescent.
As we navigate life, we crave this experience! We seek connection with family, friends, co-workers within the communities we live. How many times have you had a conversation with a friend and afterwards, you said, “damn, I feel like you should be a therapist!” Maybe you’ve had friends say this to you. Conversations with those we trust or love are always powerful. Sometimes our people naturally have that ability to make us feel unjudged and safe in their presence. These friends have a natural ability to ‘hold space’.
The first time we should experience a consistent safe space is; immediately, As we enter this world. Your mothers ability to hold you to her chest and comfort you as you enter this world is her natural ability to establish your holding space. Throughout your childhood, your community has ebbed and flowed between an effective holding space, and a space filled with expectations and social norms.
THERAPEUTIC SKILL
The baseline requirement for psychotherapy to be successful- let me say that again, the BASELINE requirement for psychotherapy to be successful, is to establish a connection between therapist and client. This relationship is the foundation of what we call the ‘holding space’. As a human, when we are in a safe holding space, anything can happen. The experience of the holding space allows us the ability to let the walls down, grapple with our own worldviews and make real change. The important thing to note is that the personal change is free of influence or coercion of another person. Unfortunately, I have observed people in positions of power who view themselves as helpers, while creating a false sense of safety, actively influencing the individual seeking guidance- as if they are playing an unsolicited parent role. This is not a safe holding space, this is dangerous, arrogant and insulting to anyone in the helping profession. If you think you do this, keep reading and pay attention. If you are aware that you’re doing this, it may be time to step back and take stock of your personal and professional intentions.
I digress.
To help a client make desired personal change, therapists need to begin with creating this space in order to move forward with other psychotherapeutic skills. This skill allows the client to come to their own path without coercion from others. Through collaboration with the client, we can explore whether or not the client had a safe holding space as a child, where they experience a holding space currently. If we don’t have this space, we generally find ourselves on the defense, our guards are up. We protect ourselves before we can get hurt. We strive to create this space through our therapeutic relationship. If the client had a great holding space as a child, it tends to be easier to find that space in therapy. If they didn’t, we might have some work to do on this front.
I can’t tell you how many times I've had clients say, “sorry, I didn’t tell you that earlier, I just don’t trust anyone and my walls are up. I’m working on it”. Two things: 1.) great awareness, good for you, we can use that as a goal and focus. 2.) Stop gaslighting yourself. Your walls are for your protection and are necessary for your safety. I promise, as your counselor, I will work hard to earn your trust so you feel safe enough with me to open yourself to this paradigm shifting ‘holding space’.
Remember, this is a baseline to psychotherapy, not therapy. With more knowledge on this topic and clear communication, you can find a safe holding space, as well as create one for others. Reach out if you’re interested in more writing on creating holding space for others. This could be the first post of many on this topic.
STAY GROUNDED
The concept of Holding Space can help us stay grounded in ourselves because it reminds us what really matters: Connection. We feel most loved when we are genuinely and authentically valued and supported by our loved ones, for who we are in each moment. We want to be able to change, grow and feel a strong sense of self-love in the presence of another person.
To my volleyball family, thank you for creating such a safe nurturing holding space for us kids. The memories of this family are at the center of the culture we are building here at Grounded Therapy Network.
With all the love, talk soon.
