Anyone can be Banks of the river
We have our moments of success, struggle, pain and joy. Each of our experiences serve as moments in time. Leading us to recognize the beauty and horror in these moments; pain will not last forever. Joy will not last forever.
The best way for me to communicate the experience of those seeking authentic support, is through a love letter. A love letter written through the lens of past experiences working with individuals within private practice, school setting and inpatient psychiatric care.
The message below is intended to serve as a letter from those who feel mental anguish, stress, depression or suicidal ideation; written by a therapist who works in suicide prevention, daily.
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Dear Friend,
I appreciate your intentions. I appreciate your support. I wish it was enough. I am too deep for your words to be helpful. I have convinced myself your words are empty.
Telling me you love me is not enough.
Telling me you care for me is not enough.
Saying, “I am here when you need me”, is not enough.
Shut up.
Show up.
Hold Space.
Your words will not find their way in my heart. The intention behind your words are for your comfort, not mine. You want to say I love you, don't kill yourself, yet you keep your distance and can't set aside your problems to successfully hold space for mine. Your actions prove that I am not worth your time, energy or Love. All I need is love, energy and time. Time without expectation. Time where you don't need me to perform for your entertainment. Time where you don't need me to prove to you that I Love you. Love me with out judgement and I will feel I belong.
I know I fail at this every day for those I love. My needs, need to be more important than yours, I'm scared of what will happen if I fail you. I can't hold your pain. I know I am a failure because I can't support you.
I know it's not possible for you to show up the way I need you (nor I you). I know that if I tell you what I need, I will make you feel like you're failing me. I am a burden on you. I am so sorry. I wish I could be fine without needing your connection. This is subtle. This is constant. I am sorry I am not worth it.
Love,
Your friend.
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Our greatest struggle is our inability to serve as the earth, grounded, as the waves of other's pain crashing into the banks of the river.
Prioritize love by holding space.
Teach our children how to show up. Show our children how to hold space without judgement. Stop explaining their behavior away to others. You need to love their behavior and help them see their own way through, not adjust their behavior to meet your needs. If you notice you keep trying to change your children's behavior to meet your needs, consider your inner child. She's screaming at you. She needs to be listened to. Please learn about your inner child, take care of her, so you can take care others.
Holding space for others, starts with self love. The process requires time, vulnerability, practice and ongoing failure.
One way we already naturally engage in this process is through Music. Music has a way of explaining an experience where words cannot. It forces us to pause, feel emotion and embrace meaning. Put on some headphones, breathe and listen.
Demi speaks to isolation, confusion, frustration and suicidal ideation better than anyone I've read or heard (Anyone, Demi Lovato)
Need to Breathe speaks to holding space. It takes effort, practice and patience to hold space in the way this song articulates. (Banks, NEEDTOBREATHE)
I hope these thoughts have met you today with compassion and love.
Take Care of each other,
~ Steve
If you or someone you know is dealing with suicidal ideation, call for support,
Suicide & Crisis LIFELINE - 988
TREVOR LGBTQ Crisis LifeLine - 1-866-488-7386 (text: 678-678)
